Love is in the little choices....

“Are you mad at me?”

I couldn’t even enjoy the gorgeous fall scenery out the window as we drove past because I was smoldering. When it comes to fighting, my chosen weapon is silence. Only in recent years have I realized just how damaging my silence can be. I used to think I was choosing the best way to fight, because if I was quiet then I wasn’t saying the deeply hurtful things I could have been. I have come to realize that my silence is it’s own weapon, leaving my adversary (my husband in this case) to fill in the blanks of my cold shoulder and blank stare. I have been working on it- finding ways to productively share what’s bothering me without letting my tongue wage war. But the question “Are you mad at me?” made clear that I hadn’t done all that well after all. I had chosen to throw my weight around by smoldering in silence once again.

And then the war of words followed. If you had been a fly on the wall over the years of our marriage you would have recognized the restraint and the growth. But the ugliness of hurt and misunderstanding and tinges of bitterness could still be heard.

We stopped to get gas for the drive ahead. With our kids watching what dad’s next move would be- he gently came up to me and said he was sorry first. And the tension broke. And I apologized. And we talked it through. And then we took the kids across the street to get a treat for the long drive home.

As we drove, my gratitude grew. He really shouldn’t have been the one to apologize. I was the one who had come up short with patience, judged him, and then smoldered in anger.

One of the many wonderful things I have learned from Damion is not to let things fester. He brings them to the table and often times he takes more of the blame then he deserves. He shows up for me just as Jesus did on the cross- taking the blame he didn’t deserve. Damion doesn’t lead by exerting power over me. He leads by providing a marriage I feel safe in, one where he considers my needs above his own. He’s not perfect, but he never stops trying to love me better then the day before.

It’s so beautiful to think about I am nearly brought to tears. I almost decided not to write because most of this story isn’t very pretty, and it’s quite a vulnerable peek into our lives. It’s the kind of story I want to read though, and ultimately that’s why I wrote it. It’s the kind that inspires me to choose kindness over hate, to really look at how loving I am being when it’s hard, to choose the road less traveled- the one that could light the way for someone else. It’s a story of the hidden beauty that true love and healthy marriages are made up of. Life isn’t made on the mountaintop, it’s in the small choices that occur in the mundane. It’s one of the stories I want our children to have stored up in their hearts for the moment when they are struggling in a relationship and they get to make the next move. “Remember when dad said sorry to mom first- that’s probably what I should do now…”

3 Simple Steps to Reduce Mama Fatigue

I know, I know. You are reading that title thinking is that even possible? I am here to tell you it is- and it’s probably easier then you think!  You know you are ready to implement these three simple tips when you have done one of these things lately; 1. Locked yourself in the bathroom just to get a few minutes alone. 2. Found yourself dreaming of a tropical vacation only to be brought back to a kiddo saying “mom, mom, mom…listen, mom.” 3. You are on your third cup of coffee for the day and it’s yet to kick in.  Oh, mom life. It’s not that you really want to escape it- because when you do get a break you are immediately missing your little ones. It’s more that you want to know how you can possibly be present in the moment and actually enjoy it when there are so many needs coming at you at once. It can be overwhelming, and it’s not ever going to go totally away, but it can get better.  It really can. It all comes down to automation. Simply getting a few key areas on automation will simplify the decision fatigue and help you be distraction free.

1.  Decide. If you are anything like every mama I know you have a love-hate relationship with the concept of self-care.  You want to do it, you desperately need it, but at the end of the day you believe that it’s selfish. Your first step is to change your mindset.  Let’s call it out like it is; self-care can be selfish. BUT- the truth is, I know a lot of mama’s and being selfish isn’t an issue. Most mamas are the salt of the earth, literally, the most loving and endlessly selfless people on the planet who are so selfless they don’t even see themselves that way.  I am going to bet you fall into that category. Instead of seeing self-care as selfish, I want to propose a new way of seeing it- as STRATEGIC. When mama takes care of herself well, she can take care of others well. So let’s decide today that Self-care is Strategic and give it a space in your life.
2. Now that you have decided. It’s time to start small. Think about one thing. Just one, that will help feel a little less frazzled each day. Here are some starter ideas to get you thinking.  Get up before your kids, set out your clothing the night before for the next day, wash your face before you go to bed so you wake up fresh, know what your plan is for breakfast before its time to get it ready, learn a 5 minute makeup routine, have 2-3 go to hairstyles that make you feel great.  It may sound small, but good habits build and produce more space in your life.
3. With your idea in hand, it’s time to commit.  For the next 10 days, do your self- care habit every day without fail.  Make it a priority. Re-evaluate after 10 days. Did this simple self-care habit help you? Do you want to re-up your commitment or try a different habit that will give you greater results?  It takes 66 days to build a solid habit, so when you find a good one that improves your quality of life- double up on your commitment and try for 66 days straight!

Building good habits cuts down on decision fatigue and gives you simple wins that build over time.  When good habits become automated, you start to do them without even noticing. One habit over time, will free up your mental space and have enjoying the life you already have- without needing an escape.  You got this mama, and I am cheering you along!

Decide - Start Small - Commit

A Love Letter to the Mamas

How I found rest when there was none.

This post is for the mamas, for the caretakers, the aunties and the grandmas.  If I could write ya’ll a love letter daily I would. You hold the world together with your compassionate arms and your gritty spirits.  You don’t give up on your people, even when they are harder than ever to serve and your bones are tired to the core. It’s all the little things, done everyday, that are rarely seen, but hold the significance of a lifetime in their balance.  The reassuring glance as your little walks into their classroom that says, “You got this little man, mama sees you and she knows who you are- and you are a giant in the making.” It’s the table set night after night, even when its grilled cheese and whatever else you can find in the fridge, that gives your family a place to gather and respite from the day. It’s freshly folded laundry that you stayed up way too late to fold- but means the field trip outfit is ready to go for the next day.  This is love. It’s the kind of love that writes a story that is told for generations because it’s doing love. It’s the kind we don’t even notice because we have already chosen it long ago.

It’s beautiful to think about, to write about, to reminisce on- but the doing, the actual doing.  That’s a different story. The actual doing in the everyday, when the mundane doesn’t just feel mundane but feels overwhelming and suffocating- that’s a different story.

It can feel like a hamster wheel without an exit or being stuck in the movie Groundhog Day but with piles of laundry and dishes that never go away.

The thing is, though- you wouldn’t want an exit if you could take it. You know you are in the right place.

But what you do want, what you truly want in your depths, is a place for your soul to breath. Deep, restoring breaths that enable you to take in the moments and actually be fully present and miracle of all miracles, fold the laundry with joy.

This was the dream in my heart.  To truly love the precious life I already had.  The dream that I could find rest too, when I was the mama and the next meal wouldn’t make itself nagged at my soul.

It came in the unexpected answer of Sabbath Rest.  Not to be confused with recreation or relaxation or even sleep.  But soul rest. The kind of rest that you treasure and guard by saying no to things that would crowd it out.  It meant anchoring my days around the truth, that to do this life of care-taking well, meant that I couldn’t run from the fact that I needed rest too.  

First step meant for me meant deciding to taking a full day off each week to provide space to even have the possibility of soul rest. The task felt daunting- do mom’s even get a full day off? Does anyone? How does that work?

It’s not something that comes over night, it’s something you work at and prepare for. Something you fail at and try again.  But the first step is the most important one and it comes from making the decision that you need to give your soul a place to breathe in your everyday life.  

Unction comes first, and then a plan.  So now it’s your turn to decide if you will make soul rest a priority- and I hope you do.  We can do it together.

Cheering you along,

Candace